This is the part that hurts the most. All the evidence, all of the corroboration, all the expert testimony, all the likeable snow white victims in the world won’t make them do the right thing.
There could be video of the whole assault. Hell, he could confess! And it still wouldn’t be enough. Because it’s never been about whether they #believesurvivors or not. THEY JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SURVIVORS’ PAIN.
⚫ Because they are selfish and sexual assault survivors are inconvenient to their goals and their worldview.
⚫ Because they don’t value women enough to do the work of extending human compassion.
This is the sad reality that took me years as a young, optimistic sexologist to realize. Years and years of
⚫ "maybe they don’t understand"
⚫ “maybe they just need it explained this way”
⚫ "maybe they don’t know how common it is or how painful it is, so if we tell our stories and humanize it for them they will get it…“
…before finally it occurred to me that they understand perfectly fucking well. And they don’t care.
Btw: This "they” I reference isn’t just the Senate today. It’s the police. It’s college administrations. It’s the NFL. It’s the Catholic Church. It’s the news media. It’s every “nice guy” who seems like a perfectly normal rational functioning adult but is on Facebook saying “well I don’t know… she didn’t report it at the time…”
Because pretending be ignorant or judicious or “see both sides” makes you sound like less of a sociopath than that you’re simply cruel.
This is why I do the work that I do.
This is why WE NEED COMPASSION BASED SEXUALITY EDUCATION NOW.
Cunt is considered the most OFFENSIVE word in the English language, a vulgar, abusive word, "a nasty name for a nasty thing."
For me it's a linguistic illustration of how much we culturally despise vaginas, vulvas, and the people attached to them.
If the WORST insult someone can give to the object they regard with hatred and disgust is that they are vulva-like, what does that say about the way we view vulvas?
Cunts are majestic, life-giving, pleasure-producing, works of fucking art. Don't waste this high compliment on low people.
Image via Exotic Cancer
In honor of International Whore's Day.
I saw a meme that said "there is nothing scarier in a capitalist patriarchy than large amounts of money moving from the pocketbooks of rich men to poor women."
Add to this a sex-negative, sex-phobic cultural worldview, and this leaves a highly stigmatized, marginalized, criminalized group of folks just trying to live their damn lives. Not OK.
Sex work is work.
Get more sexologist rants like this plus weekly sex trivia on Instagram @sexdocjill!
This list is not exhaustive, and is in no particular order.
Gender Reveal Parties
Ask my friends, I love throwing themed parties, so in that way I get the attraction. But it needs to die in 2018.
First of all, gender is a complex social, cultural, and personal identity so you can’t reveal a fetus’ gender, especially not by looking at their genitals.
Also, we know that strict, binary gender assignments and rules about what boys like and what girls like causes a lot of harm.
It harms trans kids, gender non-binary kids, every little girl who got made fun of for wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirts in the 1st grade because TMNTs are for boys (ahem), every little boy who got made fun of because he painted his fingernails or liked to dance, and every single human whose personality and interests are more nuanced and complicated than “trucks or tutus” (Psst- this is every human being!)
As for the Guns or Glitter cake? You're killing me with this!! The fun of alliteration does not outweigh the WTF factor of reducing your child to either a deadly violent machine or something pretty to look at before they are even born.
“Playing Devil’s Advocate” and “Giving the Benefit of the Doubt”
95% of the time I hear this, it’s a rapist, sexual abuser, street harasser, or slut-shamer who is benefiting from your doubt. Believe survivors in 2018. The devil doesn’t need or deserve advocates.
Body Shaming Strangers on the Internet
Stealthily taking a photo of a person you see out in public and then posting it online so you can make cruel jokes about the way their body looks is one of the most heinous things you can do to someone- even though they are unlikely to ever see it or know about it. It’s that bad.
A Playboy model was convicted and sentenced this year for doing it, leaving me hopeful this nasty trend will not be coming with us into 2018.
Calling Vulvas “Vaginas”
The vagina is an internal organ- the muscular canal that connects the uterus to the world. The vulva is the fleshy part you see between the legs made up of the labia, clitoris, and other fun bits.
They are two distinctly different body parts with distinctly different functions, locations, and names, and yet, people casually use the word vagina for both.
If you don’t call testicles a penis, because “whatever you know what I mean”, and you can distinguish between the geographically close but very very different anus and buttocks, then you can do the same for vagina and vulva.
Leave linguistically erasing half the world’s genitals in 2017. Thanks.
DON’T DO THIS! You know why.
Using Children as an Excuse to Deny Adults The Right to do Adulty Things
I want to protect children as much of the next person. Personally, I want to protect them by giving them free healthcare and a quality public education in a school where they don’t have to worry about being murdered by an Angry Man with a gun.
But far too many people’s idea of “protecting children” is pretending sexuality doesn’t exist.
This is actually counterproductive, but fine, you want to shield your kid from reality, you do you. But now you want to shield ADULTS from seeing, doing, and enjoying adulty things? No.
You don’t get to ban books, not fund research, censor films, shut down sex stores, outlaw same-sex marriage, criminalize prostitution, and force trans people from taking a piss in their bathroom because you don’t know how to communicate with your children.
“But think of the children!” and “Well how am I going to explain ___ to my kids?!” can stay the fuck in 2017. Bye.
Wear the short shorts. Buy the huge butt plug. Rock your small penis. Embrace your hairy nipples. Tell him how you want to be fucked. Keep a box of tampons on your desk. Whatever.
Rude Dating Behavior
Maybe I’m old, but I’m of the opinion that dating is supposed to be, now hear me out- about having a good time and getting to know someone as a potential romantic partner.
Literally the farthest you can get from that premise, dating is now a vehicle for abusing people and showing a potential romantic partner the very worse you have to offer.
- Saying “hi” “hi” “hey” “what’s up” a million times in a row.
- Making obscene sexual remarks within seconds of meeting.
- Sending unsolicited photos of your genitals.
- Being verbally abusive when someone declines a date.
- Making a date with dozens of people and then ditching some when someone better comes along.
- Generally treating people like they are disposable and being careless with their emotions.
Leave it all in 2017.
Pissing on People’s Pleasure and Joy
Life is generally shitty and painful. Its death, greed, strife, disease, and Donald Trump, punctuated with fleeting moments of joy- a pumpkin spiced latte here, an orgasm there.
You’d think people would want to support and encourage others who have managed to, through the abysmal hellscape we call existence, carve out a slice of pleasure for themselves. But no.
Instead, whenever something comes along that people enjoy and isn't hurting anyone- make-up tutorials, unicorn fads, selfies, avocado toast, Pokemon Go- other people gotta come in and piss on it.
If the joy comes from anything remotely sexual- lower back tattoos, twerking, crop tops, one night stands- the piss comes in the form of slut-shaming.
Why do we hate to see other people have pleasure so much?
JUST LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS IN 2018!